IAMDERLORE!

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A bit of a paradoxical Movie for me this week guys, Judge Dredd is actually a film I remember enjoying when I saw it first, but then I’ve watched it a couple of times since and I’ll not beat around the bush: Judge Dredd isn’t just a bad movie it’s a VERY BAD MOVIE, it pretty much ignores all the fundamental aspects of the comic book, the huge back story and mythology of the universe. The claustrophobic feel of Mega City 1 in the comics and the ruthlessness of the villains therein all avoided because of concerns by the studio.

Stallone himself is on record as regretting the final product of the movie. Yet the tragedy is really that this film actually wasn’t a terrible film for it’s time. Granted it was a terrible film for the Judge Dredd moniker to be attached to, but considering the clutch of shit movies that were being vomited out by studios that same year, had this film been titled differently and a few minor costume tweaks then it would have been a relatively decent action sci-fi romp. I mean around the corner was Time Cop, Under Siege 2, Johnny Mnemonic, Waterworld – it couldn’t have been THAT bad.

That being said though, this film wasn’t something else, it was a Judge Dredd film and Judge Dredd is set in the deeply flawed distant Future where everything is buggered and everybody hates everyone else, there is racism, political and corporate corruption, mutants, aliens. You name it and it’s in Judge Dredd. The mythology is rife with ideal storylines even for mid 90’s technology to tell well.

Yet the film offered has the look of a flawed Blade Runner mixed with a not too far away  Fifth Element, a terribly under considered and flawed origin story crammed with stars of all skill levels. Max von Sydow and Jurgen Prochnow are insultingly underused and directed as ham-fisted caricatures of their previous well known performances. Diane Lane as Hershey is a relatively good choice, she’s not bad in the role even though she and Dredd share a kiss at the end of the Film, something completely prohibited to a Judge in the mythology of comics, but hey by that time in the movie they’ve desecrated pretty much everything else why not go the whole hog?

Not only are we subjected to Tween like behaviour between Dredd and Hershey but we’re carried along in the story by none other than Rob Schneider, who does give your face a slight relief from the scowl you’ve adopted throughout the previous 30 minutes of turgid dross, by rather amusingly mimicking the blood curdling stallone rendition of I AM –DERLORE!

At least someone knew to laugh at the film. The terrible origin story of Dredd, the aforementioned performances in collusion with Sly’s “all he really needs is a cuddle” performance of the titular character just keep digging the hole deeper.

I guess the icing on the cake is the finale, if you can call it that where everything gets just a little bit mwaahahahahahaha – I will now tell you my evil plan and look I have a cliché doctor character too. Now watch us destroy the world……….

Insert Scratchy record effect here –Err? What was the point of the Griffin and Rico’s plan anyway? – let’s kill all the judges and get them to sign off on this fucking stupid cloning plan, that didn’t work as they were only 50% successful before, and hey, let’s further fuck the whole plan up by making said flawed process work EVEN faster and doubling the likelihood of failure.

Awesome plan guys – and what exactly do YOU get from all this hmmm?

Nothing, but a whole load of stupid shit, that’s what. “Oh I know” says Griffin “I’ll release a highly dangerous unstable basket-case of a psycho into society because his twin brother looks like the ideal candidate to be a scapegoat in order to get Ming the merciless to resign and grant me lots of power”……. He does this and….. THEN starts his plan for conquest, AFTER he’s been given all the power? Why? You monumental prick - It makes no sense! – He deserved to die – Although the Big Robot is pretty cool I have to admit

Okay I was wrong, it wasn’t a good film at all in any way, it is completely irredeemable, even if you Imagine this film called something else with different costumes it would still have been a patchy movie at best, in fact it would have been pretty much Demolition Man without the Cryogenics, the three shells and Sandra big nose Bullock.

Sorry, like I said it’s a bit of a paradox for me is this movie. I want to make excuses for it but I can’t , so I get angry with myself for thinking it’s okay and then being sad because it got a couple of things kind of right, the Lawgivers, I liked those…. Oh well, here’s to hoping that Garland does a better job in a couple of years.

Thanks guys as always Black Dog never fails to satisfy my need for sadism. Bring on your next challenge good sirs I am not afraid.