AR(SE)MAGEDDON

To hear this feedback read out in the Black dog's inimitable style please check out The Black dog Podcast here


Armageddon was one of 1998’s biggest movies, in fact Wikipedia tells me that it was THE biggest film of the year, this is obviously a statement to its financial return. Because, let’s be honest that’s where it’s achievements really end.

No, maybe that’s not fair it did do three other things – it rekindled Bruce Willis’ dwindling career at the time and it gave the world a scary premonition to just how annoying Ben Affleck’s movie choices were going to become. – let’s not forget “PEARL HARBOUR” was soon to follow in what can only be described as a long line of good ideas lined up in a row and summarily executed in a cruel and unforgiveable manner, yet in a massively profitable way.

Armageddon is probably where the new breed of summer blockbusters began, this new breed of visual diarrhea, where plot and sensible character development are completely ignored and squillions of dollars are exhausted on bringing these inane romps to our screens have now been replaced by the advent of the “re-imagining” or Remake (So we have them all to look forward to again) – but that’s another story and open wound to aggravate for another time.

In the years before The only good Matrix movie and the “Prequel” Star Wars movies that should never have been directed by George “Czech Neck” Lucas – the world was annually slapped in the face with Jerry Bruckheimer produced golden turds like Armageddon, much like every other Bruckheimer movie before it, it was a special effects bonanza, his record was and is pretty simple and it’s fair to say it hasn’t changed since Beverly Hills Cop back in 1984, he has to out-do the previous effort, Armageddon had to be bigger and louder than Con Air. He’d not really done anything in space before and, thank Christ he hasn’t since.

Armageddon is a terrible film, fine the special effects were pretty good, at the time but there it’s merits finish, it wasn’t made with longevity in mind, it was made purely for the initial “buck” – at no point was this movie ever in fear of being mistaken for art, it wasn’t going to be around for long enough, Bruckheimer knew it wasn’t going to be and as such it had to make as much money as possible whilst it was still a viable option, throw in an Affleck and Tyler relationship and a love song that still enrages me no-end. It had a 6 -12 month Window for making money, Theatrical release to Video release, bolstered by the release of the soundtrack, with that FUCKING ANNOYING Aerosmith love song that exemplifies the reason that band should just hurry up and die! –  the film’s relevance dissipated very quickly, only ever being brought up by giggling teenagers gushing over Ben Affleck and that fucking insipid song.

Armageddon is essentially the movie equivalent of Premature Ejaculation, Best not spoken about in polite company, best forgotten as quickly as possible and avoiding at all costs anyone with a desire to bring the subject up

When you look back at this film’s success, it’s not surprising that AVATAR dominated Hollywood at the end of 2009 – Don’t get me wrong it was fun and mind blowingly beautiful, but it’s longevity HAS to be in question.

I know this comes across as being snobbish about films, but I can accept romps and enjoy action movies in the same way that all my fellow red blooded, bearded fat blokes do but this is just terrible, you should both be ashamed of yourselves for reminding the world that this movie even exists.

My god, it’s as bad as Burton’s Planet of The Apes or Transformers II – Please don’t do this to me anymore, my god I was living my life so well before you podcasting genius’ reminded me of the depth of depravity that Hollywood will stoop to.