So, a little history

I worked within Games Retail for the better part of a decade, from Store to Head Office, I’ve seen many things, but thankfully Boll’s House of The Dead evaded me for years. Until now…. Yes, I’ve played various incarnations of the game, from the Dreamcast through to the Wii, but never did I expect to have to endure what I endured on Monday 16^th August 2010.

My trawl across the movieverse led me to utilize the “Watch Online” feature of Lovefilm, so I paid my £2.50 and sat down in front of the goggle box to be a witness to movie making history.

 Opening with the stupidest Narration I’ve ever heard, albeit a premonitory one that would be better suited to ward the viewer off watching this film as opposed to tease them to follow along any further…

 “It was a nightmare, so many dead people, so many victims….

It all started a few days ago when I came here for a Rave…. Now all that remains is the rotten smell of death…..

Errm…. Okay then, aside from the fact that this film was made in 2003 and the interest in Rave’s died out in Western Europe around about the mid 90’s – What the fuck is with the dude’s voice!! He sounds like a bastardization of Keannu Reaves and Christian Bale. Anyway let’s bypass the frankly fucking terrible intro sequence and the credits (I’d “skip to the end” – but it’s SCG’s so I’ll have to get to the end – it’s an endurance trial)

We swiftly move on to the same Keannu Bale voice-a-like telling us about some cast members from a soft core porn schlock turd and their pretty fucking stupid “back story” and we get some interspersed scenes of “The Rave” – which is really just a camping trip with a disco and some fucking Sega banners….Oh and a young asian lady jiggling about with pom poms – Yes the Sega references are rife – I think someone forgot to mention to Sega that the Dreamcast was a flop and getting involved with this twat Boll was unlikely to help their plight.

I’m going to multi-task the rest of this feedback gents, yes I’m going to chery pick and  machine gun my way through my other points. Sorry it’s numbered but it’s the only way to deal with this crap.

1). We meet the kid from Gentle Ben (Clint Howard) all grown up, but no bear – Not even good ole Ben woulda been able to save him from this turd.

2). Jurgen Prochnow – Seriously Jurgen, did you not learn from Dredd? – Is he where the budget went? Or did he seriously think this would help his career?? – TWAT!

3). Gratuitous Topless scenes (read soft core porn schlock) At least they gave the uglies a chance though eh? – aww bless

4). Stupid humour – barfing scene – it’s bad man, just awful…..and getting worse….

5). Hiring the cheapest composer they can find, Reinhard Besser is a tone deaf twat – who seems to only work with Boll. – the music’s practically identical to Bad Taste – except maybe for the frankly terrible Wannabe Prodigy tune from the intro sequence.

6). Stunning uses of Voice over. So we get the boats chasing one another by voice over? – WTF?

 (BEST BIT OF THE FILM!!!)

7). Prochnow can predict the weather – a proper coffee dragon moment as the kid from Gentle Ben wonders if a “storm’s a coming?” – Prochnow licks his finger and holds it to the wind. Responding….. “maybe” – fuck it – it can’t get any more stupid surely????

 No wait it’s a Boll movie, it can…. And it does

8). The Harbour master broad, guns down bimbo no.1 – The boyfriend responds with possibly the most diabolical piece of acting I’ve seen - “What Happened to her”

9). Tooling up – You seriously know a film is terrible when the cast start telling each other what weapons they’ve got -  a Shotgun with incendiary rounds – REALLY??? A dude telling everyone what weapons they’ve chosen? Not to mention the fact they all appear to become the gun monk dudes from Equilibrium the second they get given a fucking firearm.

10) Swimming Zombies that breathe the moment they get out of the water – nuff said

11). Tooled up zombies? – nuff said.

12). Fucking Bullet time – Loved the fact they set the camera system up and just filmed each actor separately in the same place (all looking incredibly uncomfortable in the process) – so it looked like the test sequence from the extras on the Matrix DVD – stupidly used special efect that was so out of place – considering they were fucking kids with guns and no Military/Ninja training!

13). Sets from Buffy The Vampire Slayer – yup, proper cardboard cut out style

14) Pointless sacrifices – Right the only sacrifice this film needed was Uwe Boll’s  - simple as. Yet all the character at the end of the film have huge brain farts and give their lives up to save the others???? Whatever….

15). Good guy/Arch baddie conversation – “You created all this to be immortal – why? – What the fuck you moron – I’ll answer my own fucking question whilst asking it? Seriously Uwe? This is the best you can do with your Protagonist. Not to mention the fact that the bad guy looked like Sam Neil in Event Horizon’s final moments.

Believe me I’ve got more, but I simply can’t stomach writing anymore of this, this film is so unbelievably fucking stupid that to imagine anyone even entertaining the notion of making it is almost as inconceivable as the notion that someone from SEGA actually read the script and then allowed the House of The Dead moniker to be used – not to mention the most annoying fucking thing about the film – the fact that you are permanently reminded that this was a game by interspersing game footage as dissolves? REALLY!!!

 Fuck knows, fucking fucking Fuck Knows – Must be Hallucinogenics – the only answer I have.

That’s it – you’ve done it – Shy of actually having my brain squeezed out through my ears Play-doh style and being repeatedly double teamed by Boll from behind and Lucas up front – I don’t think there’s anything worse than this movie.

I’m shaken to the core young sirs – You may have actually discovered the worst film of all time. I’m going to see a therapist now, I’m sure there’s a specialist out there for Post Traumatic Boll Syndrome.

If not, then I’ll see you on the other side…… (Insert Creaking rope sound effect)

IAMDERLORE!

To hear this Feedback read out in The Black Dog's Inimitable style visit the Blackdog podcast here:

A bit of a paradoxical Movie for me this week guys, Judge Dredd is actually a film I remember enjoying when I saw it first, but then I’ve watched it a couple of times since and I’ll not beat around the bush: Judge Dredd isn’t just a bad movie it’s a VERY BAD MOVIE, it pretty much ignores all the fundamental aspects of the comic book, the huge back story and mythology of the universe. The claustrophobic feel of Mega City 1 in the comics and the ruthlessness of the villains therein all avoided because of concerns by the studio.

Stallone himself is on record as regretting the final product of the movie. Yet the tragedy is really that this film actually wasn’t a terrible film for it’s time. Granted it was a terrible film for the Judge Dredd moniker to be attached to, but considering the clutch of shit movies that were being vomited out by studios that same year, had this film been titled differently and a few minor costume tweaks then it would have been a relatively decent action sci-fi romp. I mean around the corner was Time Cop, Under Siege 2, Johnny Mnemonic, Waterworld – it couldn’t have been THAT bad.

That being said though, this film wasn’t something else, it was a Judge Dredd film and Judge Dredd is set in the deeply flawed distant Future where everything is buggered and everybody hates everyone else, there is racism, political and corporate corruption, mutants, aliens. You name it and it’s in Judge Dredd. The mythology is rife with ideal storylines even for mid 90’s technology to tell well.

Yet the film offered has the look of a flawed Blade Runner mixed with a not too far away  Fifth Element, a terribly under considered and flawed origin story crammed with stars of all skill levels. Max von Sydow and Jurgen Prochnow are insultingly underused and directed as ham-fisted caricatures of their previous well known performances. Diane Lane as Hershey is a relatively good choice, she’s not bad in the role even though she and Dredd share a kiss at the end of the Film, something completely prohibited to a Judge in the mythology of comics, but hey by that time in the movie they’ve desecrated pretty much everything else why not go the whole hog?

Not only are we subjected to Tween like behaviour between Dredd and Hershey but we’re carried along in the story by none other than Rob Schneider, who does give your face a slight relief from the scowl you’ve adopted throughout the previous 30 minutes of turgid dross, by rather amusingly mimicking the blood curdling stallone rendition of I AM –DERLORE!

At least someone knew to laugh at the film. The terrible origin story of Dredd, the aforementioned performances in collusion with Sly’s “all he really needs is a cuddle” performance of the titular character just keep digging the hole deeper.

I guess the icing on the cake is the finale, if you can call it that where everything gets just a little bit mwaahahahahahaha – I will now tell you my evil plan and look I have a cliché doctor character too. Now watch us destroy the world……….

Insert Scratchy record effect here –Err? What was the point of the Griffin and Rico’s plan anyway? – let’s kill all the judges and get them to sign off on this fucking stupid cloning plan, that didn’t work as they were only 50% successful before, and hey, let’s further fuck the whole plan up by making said flawed process work EVEN faster and doubling the likelihood of failure.

Awesome plan guys – and what exactly do YOU get from all this hmmm?

Nothing, but a whole load of stupid shit, that’s what. “Oh I know” says Griffin “I’ll release a highly dangerous unstable basket-case of a psycho into society because his twin brother looks like the ideal candidate to be a scapegoat in order to get Ming the merciless to resign and grant me lots of power”……. He does this and….. THEN starts his plan for conquest, AFTER he’s been given all the power? Why? You monumental prick - It makes no sense! – He deserved to die – Although the Big Robot is pretty cool I have to admit

Okay I was wrong, it wasn’t a good film at all in any way, it is completely irredeemable, even if you Imagine this film called something else with different costumes it would still have been a patchy movie at best, in fact it would have been pretty much Demolition Man without the Cryogenics, the three shells and Sandra big nose Bullock.

Sorry, like I said it’s a bit of a paradox for me is this movie. I want to make excuses for it but I can’t , so I get angry with myself for thinking it’s okay and then being sad because it got a couple of things kind of right, the Lawgivers, I liked those…. Oh well, here’s to hoping that Garland does a better job in a couple of years.

Thanks guys as always Black Dog never fails to satisfy my need for sadism. Bring on your next challenge good sirs I am not afraid.

Aliens - This Time it's....DOGGED!

To hear this feedback read out in Lee and Darren's inimitable style please check out the Black Dog Podcast  Here

I’m going to try and write this one without gushing too much as I love Aliens in the same way that many people love their limbs.

I’ve spent 2 years without ALIENS in my life - No wonder life keeps dealing me shit blows, it’s Karma for not picking myself another copy of this film, I took the hint and Amazon have now profited by the princely sum of £6.

I remember being around about 10 when I first saw this movie, I think it was one of those Saturday night on ITV affairs – I even remember all the points where it got dubbed, to cover up the profanity – Shits for Fucks and the like as well as being cut off at 10 for half an hour while the news was on.

Yet to me, even at that tender age, it always felt like there was more, it seemed as though it was a little too rushed. Ultimately I’d be proven right, but if you’ll forgive me the tangent momentarily, it felt that no sooner had Ripley awoken, than she was on the Sulaco and being shipped back out to LV426 – with next to no time to take stock of her life, plus it all seemed too easy story-wise to just quickly get back to the planet and have the Aliens again. Eveyrthing seemed to happen just that little bit too quickly. Don’t get me wrong it was all great but I think I know why and I’ll go into that in a short while

In essence the theatrical cut is a stark contrast to the first film which took its time in the beginning and helped you relate to the characters you met, although the actor’s were maybe not given the time they needed to make those character’s more personable.

I know from listening back to “Quarantine Protocols are there for a Reason” that Lee isn’t such a huge fan of the Special Edition cut, but in my opinion it’s ultimately a better cut.

It fleshes out Ripley’s back story and ultimately the main theme of the film, that being maternal instincts - in a more succinct way- to protect the young is at the core of the “conflict” between Ripley and the Queen at the end. The evil corporate mentality of the little people being disposable is clearer, plus; the resilience of the human spirit under pressure. Viewers really needed the scene between her and Burke before the hearing, it helped to bolster the fact that Ripley’s old life truly is dead and her existence is now predominantly and unwittingly placed on a parallel with the Alien’s.

The early (Pre-Everybody’s Fucked) scene on the Colony with Red Dwarf’s Captain Hollister (Mac Macdonald) gives some validity to the confrontation between Ripley and Burke later on. Fair enough it did go on a bit – we maybe didn’t need to see the Jorden’s on their family jolly, but it was nice to see the day to day workings of the Colony. It added more to the tragedy later on when you see these people glued to the walls with Alien Goo.

With the later scenes with Ripley and Newt discussing the intricacies of childbirth, you’re reminded that this is, in fact a little girl who has been witness to horrific events and yet still soaks up knowledge and you’re seeing that Ripley is steadily finsing a new reason to live. Hence her learning how to use the Pulse Rifle, her maternal instincts are taking over and she is going to protect her child.

The scenes involving the Marines are crucial, without these scenes they’re portrayed as being pretty useless – the gear they salvage from the APC wreckage and the fact that they fortify their position is testament to the notion of them being an elite squad. We could maybe have done without some of the more throwaway moments, like the Ripley/Hicks exchange in the dropship, but in the end, these all serve to expand the story and don’t really take anything away.

 And the Sentry gun bits are bloody cool  

Still, this wasn’t the version I first saw, so something must have captured my eye in the original cut and now I know what that was and how the Special Edition further advances on the notion.

Darren in the aforementioned Black Dog Episode, called it “dirty Sci-Fi” however it actually does have a conceptual name. The notion of “The Used Future” is something that is readily seen throughout Sci-Fi, ultimately brought to the forefront by Mr Lucas’ Star Wars in 1977 and stamped home by Ridley Scott in 1979’s Original ALIEN. The idea that the future is a living breathing place and that just because all these fantastic technologies are available doesn’t necessarily eliminate the scientific fact that people use stuff and it gets beaten up over the years and that you’re only seeing a snippet of this universe. Other things have gone on before, and after the snapshot of that Universe you’re ultimately observing for a brief time. It’s this depth of vision and attention to detail that gives the Alien Saga an edge over it’s contemporaries (Let’s be honest Lucas sacked off the idea with the prequel trilogy, as did the Alien saga when they let Jeunet near the camera)

So, Aliens continued the story begun in Alien, everyone who’s worth their salt knows the story of the making of this film, how Cameron fell out with the English Crew, how Michael Biehn wasn’t originally cast as Hicks, how Weaver took a whole anti-gun stance as a result of her taking part in the film. Cameron and Horner’s feud over the music, which would ultimately sever ties until they both had a brain fart and did Titanic nearly 12 years later. The off Camera story is nearly as tumultuous as that the viewer sees on screen.

Who cares though – Alien had a lot of similar problems - a last minute cast change when John Hurt was hired in after Jon Finch discovered he had Bronchitis as a result of Diabetes, Ridley Scott fell out with the cast, as did the cast between themselves and Scott and Goldsmith fell out over the music. Yet they still crafted a masterpiece. 7 years later it can be argued that Cameron did much the same.

I love this film, it’s my comfort blanket – when I feel Ill – I’ll throw in Aliens and settle down. I think it was Black dog that introduced me to the notion of “Chicken soup for the soul” – Well Aliens is mine and I love it.

It’s a comfort to know that before he became obsessed with sunken ships, Developing 3d Camera technology and Dragon Flying Smurfs, James Cameron was a great Film Maker.

Aliens is the quintessential 80’s film, a commentary on the decade if you will. But that’s another story for another time.

Aliens rocks – No matter how fervently anyone tries to deny it – it will always remain one of the world’s best Action Sci-Fi Horror films.

Don't forget Black Dog is recorded every week and these guys seriously rock! as does the AMAZING VIDEO below

TTFN

The Black Dog and the wonders of Podcasting

So, I've been submitting feedback to an excellent Podcast over the past few weeks and I thought it might be a good idea to upload some of this feedback on here going forward for peeps who may or may not be interested in my thoughts but don't have the ability or the time to listen to the podcasts in full. I'd hope it will maybe inspire you to have a listen because it's simply brilliant.... I only have three followers in here but apparently this thing gets read by other people from my Facebook friends list whenever I link in to my blogs from there so..... You know.

Anyway about this Podcast, a review, if you will.....

I work in an office, where it can be argued that there is a huge black hole when it comes to geekdom and as such I find myself craving some geek like interaction. So, once upon a time I started listening to Kevin Smith's Smodcast, the idea being that it was funny, I liked Kevin's relaxed style and his amazing interactions with his friends always tended to make for entertaining listening, it all lost its edge though when all his usual guests departed and set up their own podcasts. The fun of hearing these guests in my opinion was hearing the with Kevin.

So, I went mooching around online and discovered that the world of Podcasting was greatly more extensive than I had first realised. At this point in time I was hugely into Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 and decided that I wanted to listen to some guys talking about it and relating some anecdotes about their online experiences. I discovered Joint ops Monthly, a fantastic podcast and hugely entertaining, but with only a few episodes it soon dried up and 8 hour days at work soon chew up Podcast archives pretty quickly. Noticing that Joint-ops was part of a syndicate called the Legion of Tangent I was soon burning through episodes of Television Zombies, Creeping with Armstrong and my new personal favourite.

This Podcast is the brain child of Lee Medcalf and his long time friend Darren Barnard, together they are The Black Dog Podcast. A truly entertaining pair of gents who love to trundle happily over bygone movie era's few others dare to tackle. Their indomitable Rose Tinted Specs is a no holds barred look at some of cinemas finest moments, without the cloudy hue of nerd foam so often present in other such podcasts, they tackle the question of whether or not these films still are classics.

Their look at Terminator 2 is probably one of their finest achievements, they convince hardened old school T2 fans such as myself (at the time) that whilst it was a great movie, time has not been kind, not in reference to Special effects etc. but in content, story, plot exposition, the list goes on and it would be rude to talk more about this particular episode and spoil it for potential listeners - Believe me it's riveting, as are all their episodes to be honest.

The moment when I knew I wanted to offer my two penneth about the films they were discussing, was when these podcasting moguls decided that they were going to debut a new feature: Shit Covered Goggles, a retrospective look at oft labelled "terrible" films and give them another chance. Their first instalment was a triumph although it very nearly scarred me for life, when, it was nearly argued that Armageddon was actually a film that deserved to exist, fortunately Lee went a bit 'mad dictator' and civil order was restored.


More fun than watching Mustard gas being thrown into the Big Brother House and a live televised assassination of the presenter's - Black dog never fails to keep geeks like me and hopefully you, entertained. Their regular feedbacker's include friends and fellow noobs such as myself, all united by their love (or hatred) for the week's specified film, If I had one complaint it's that there's not more. With Shitty Superhero's (the name is pretty self explanatory) and their take on the relevant news, it shapes up at nearly 2 hours long on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less but time length aside there's rarely a dull moment.

With Jingles from the Illustrious Darron Diamond accompanied by the mighty Spinny (the hubcap)  - (The world really needs hear the Shit Covered Goggles theme jingle, it's the stuff of legend) - The Blackdog podcast will hopefully continue for a good long while and pick up an appropriately large audience along the way, god knows the effort they go to is substantial, thus should be their audience numbers. Not that there audience isn't large now,  don't get me wrong i'm not selling them short, I just feel they should be heard by a larger audience, because they do pretty much represent the common man when it comes to Geeks and Nerds over the age of 25.

This Podcast has restored my confidence to write and review again and has also shown me that there's a world (not too far away) where people from both sides of the pond get an opportunity to have their voices heard. Geekplanetonline is a great website and should really be checked out by all who are interested in the ways of Sci-Fi Geekdom, Movie geekdom and just Geekdom in general.

So please take a look and if you get the chance listen to the Podcasts then do so without hesitation, also check out the Legion of Tangent.


So kick back,get some beers in and enjoy a night of unbridled movie passion... FTW!

Rubber Nipples and Gratuitous shots of Bums in Rubber Suits or "I F**king hate Batman & Robin"

Well, as the old saying goes “be careful what you wish for”…. Ahhh Black dog never fails to dish up when it comes to Shit Covered Goggles… and what a feast of fecal matter you’ve presented this week. Possibly the ultimate example of excrementality in film-making – arguably worse than the Phantom Menace, Batman and Robin is the quintessential example of just how fucking terrible comic book movies have been. A pollip in the anus of Hollywood causing a monumental backlog , where every now and again a chunk or two of bile ridden filth manage to loosen themselves and are emitted forth and thus we get subjected to another instalment of the Underworld franchise.

Tim Burton’s Batman in 89 wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t the Batman, the Comic book nerds really wanted, nor did it sell enough Action figures – the first 12 rated film in the UK, it narrowly missed its ideal market but was a huge leap forward from the 60s series, a year or two later and we were visited again by Mr Burton’s version of Batman adventures, Batman Returns was again ‘not terrible,’ but not great but this time it nailed its target audience, a 15 rating and a tight fitting cat suit (forgive the pun) wearing Michelle Pfeiffer and a revolting fat suit wearing Devito offered something nearer the ideal, but still vey far off from total satisfaction.

It wasn’t good - Sorry I can’t stand Tim Burton, for me his career has been patchy at best and I can’t begin to tell you how monumentally violent my reaction was when I awoke from a nightmare I once had - in my dream he’d directed a version of Planet of The Apes so badly, that whenever it was viewed by humans they lapsed into a death like coma. The violent reaction came when I realised this was in fact real and Tim Burton truly had made me fall into a very Lynchian nightmare.

Sorry, I digress – So, we move to the first of Mr Shumacher’s instalments and boy, with Batman Forever what a switch we were dealt – The mood and darkness (that permeates the source material - Not the mind numbingly dull “GOTH” vibe that Tim Burton imbues into EVERY single film he makes) was gone, switched for ridiculous colour saturation and stupid characterisations, only ever kept in check by a modicum of respect for the aforementioned source material. Jim Carrey’s Riddler is just a lazy combination of Ace Ventura’s noise and The Mask’s “unpredictability” - unquestioningly terrible….but let’s be honest, at that point he was pretty one-note until he did Eternal Sunshine. Well that’s my opinion anyway. Nicole Kidman was shite, Tommy Lee Jones was atrocious and Chris O Donnell’s performance was as enjoyable as the notion of gargling with a dog’s seminal fluid.

No worries about sentimentality towards the comics when Schumacher next took to the streets of Gotham, he just ignored the mythology completely, had a mental pro-lapse and spewed forth the mental equivalent of AIDS into the atmosphere, Batman and Robin was THAT bad. Uma Thurman gives a lacklustre performance as Poison Ivy in a pantomime outfit that would make Biggins blush – Doing her best to destroy Pfeiffer’s work in Batman Returns by mimicking that performance, besides the cat references of course and ultimately achieving her goal. I can’t even begin to go into Schwarzenegger’s performance as Freeze, not that he actually acted and why the fuck would Freeze smoke a Cigar anyway? – He mildly redeemed himself a couple of years later though with End of Days, not his best but definitely a leap away from this shower of shit.

I think this film can be set on a par with The Phantom Menace without fear of upsetting geekdom as a whole – so fundamentally absurd is every aspect of this film that the words fail me when I even attempt to contemplate the notion of the plot. I just don’t think there was one, or at least that’s my take on it. If you acknowledge that there was a script and that it was written by a person or persons, then you must accept that Warner Brother’s was the late 90’s film studio equivalent of Auschwitz – This can’t be the truth as a couple of years later we were introduced to The Matrix and that was very good. So maybe I’m being a little harsh

Definitely not, I couldn’t decide whether my eyes were stinging because of my hayfever or the diabolical scripting (there I go again, assuming – was there a script?) – I think I can comfortably state that it just physically hurts me to watch this film, even in small doses – I felt a bit like Malcom Macdowell at the clockwork Orange to be honest.

I’m sorry guys, I couldn’t get to the end of this film, it took two sittings just to get to the Alicia Silverstone walking into the Bat cave bit, by which time I’m afraid I was starting to lose vision and the will to live – I can only surmise that the population of Miranda at the end of Serenity were all just victims of advanced Screenings of Batman and Robin.

I feel for the Reavers, we should embrace their pain.

It certainly felt a like a Psychological Enema was what was lacking in my life right about now. I’m going to continue my first ever viewing of Twin Peaks now, I think it will be a suitable feast on which to gorge my mind and fill my soul with goodness again.

Shit Covered Goggles is strangely cathartic and highly entertaining. It’s been sorely missed. I look forward to hearing Blackdog 36 (and 36.5)

AR(SE)MAGEDDON

To hear this feedback read out in the Black dog's inimitable style please check out The Black dog Podcast here


Armageddon was one of 1998’s biggest movies, in fact Wikipedia tells me that it was THE biggest film of the year, this is obviously a statement to its financial return. Because, let’s be honest that’s where it’s achievements really end.

No, maybe that’s not fair it did do three other things – it rekindled Bruce Willis’ dwindling career at the time and it gave the world a scary premonition to just how annoying Ben Affleck’s movie choices were going to become. – let’s not forget “PEARL HARBOUR” was soon to follow in what can only be described as a long line of good ideas lined up in a row and summarily executed in a cruel and unforgiveable manner, yet in a massively profitable way.

Armageddon is probably where the new breed of summer blockbusters began, this new breed of visual diarrhea, where plot and sensible character development are completely ignored and squillions of dollars are exhausted on bringing these inane romps to our screens have now been replaced by the advent of the “re-imagining” or Remake (So we have them all to look forward to again) – but that’s another story and open wound to aggravate for another time.

In the years before The only good Matrix movie and the “Prequel” Star Wars movies that should never have been directed by George “Czech Neck” Lucas – the world was annually slapped in the face with Jerry Bruckheimer produced golden turds like Armageddon, much like every other Bruckheimer movie before it, it was a special effects bonanza, his record was and is pretty simple and it’s fair to say it hasn’t changed since Beverly Hills Cop back in 1984, he has to out-do the previous effort, Armageddon had to be bigger and louder than Con Air. He’d not really done anything in space before and, thank Christ he hasn’t since.

Armageddon is a terrible film, fine the special effects were pretty good, at the time but there it’s merits finish, it wasn’t made with longevity in mind, it was made purely for the initial “buck” – at no point was this movie ever in fear of being mistaken for art, it wasn’t going to be around for long enough, Bruckheimer knew it wasn’t going to be and as such it had to make as much money as possible whilst it was still a viable option, throw in an Affleck and Tyler relationship and a love song that still enrages me no-end. It had a 6 -12 month Window for making money, Theatrical release to Video release, bolstered by the release of the soundtrack, with that FUCKING ANNOYING Aerosmith love song that exemplifies the reason that band should just hurry up and die! –  the film’s relevance dissipated very quickly, only ever being brought up by giggling teenagers gushing over Ben Affleck and that fucking insipid song.

Armageddon is essentially the movie equivalent of Premature Ejaculation, Best not spoken about in polite company, best forgotten as quickly as possible and avoiding at all costs anyone with a desire to bring the subject up

When you look back at this film’s success, it’s not surprising that AVATAR dominated Hollywood at the end of 2009 – Don’t get me wrong it was fun and mind blowingly beautiful, but it’s longevity HAS to be in question.

I know this comes across as being snobbish about films, but I can accept romps and enjoy action movies in the same way that all my fellow red blooded, bearded fat blokes do but this is just terrible, you should both be ashamed of yourselves for reminding the world that this movie even exists.

My god, it’s as bad as Burton’s Planet of The Apes or Transformers II – Please don’t do this to me anymore, my god I was living my life so well before you podcasting genius’ reminded me of the depth of depravity that Hollywood will stoop to.